Honest, Real, RED Isolation
A RED in isolation is like a caged wild tiger
I hit breaking point last Friday and I am so over quarantine, COVID-19, all of it.
I’m currently half a bottle of wine deep. It’s a random Thursday. It’s been heavily raining all day and my mood matches the weather. I’ve been working from home for approximately ten (million) weeks and the most exciting nights are those spent with a glass of wine on a Zoom call. I hit breaking point last Friday and I am so over quarantine, COVID-19, all of it. I want to be within six feet of people. I want to hug everyone, strangers included. I want to cross the border to see my parents. I want to go on dates in public places. I do not want to wait in a line up to buy groceries. I miss laughing – turns out a real, good, hearty laugh is brought to you by face-to-face interaction. I am sick of being scared and everyone I talk to being scared, nervous and apprehensive. I have anxiety over almost everything and the littlest things set me off. I have never been in the city for this many consecutive days, and I have never ever spent this much time in my own home. I feel trapped and I don’t have the solution on how to fix this situation with the restrictions in place (classic fixer mentality). Life is a total shit show between the markets, work stresses and isolation. Every day feels like a Saturday – but a Saturday that you have to work and none of your friends are free to hang out. The struggle is real and this is what my honest, real, RED quarantine is like right now.
Isolation has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs - who knew ten weeks could be filled with so many feelings and emotions. Quarantine started as a short struggle till my fiery, self-fixer, independence kicked in with lists of to-dos’, and I was able to shift my focus to rapidly checking things off. This stage was followed by settling into work from home, new routines and this seemingly new way of life. I felt a certain level of acceptance and even contentment. Then I hit the wall last week and I couldn’t focus, retain information or sit still. I would zone out during calls and meetings at work without even knowing it was happening. The typical answer would be easy – vacation time. However, taking a vacation now fills me with dread. Taking a precious day off to spend more time alone in the same place I already feel trapped sounds like torture. Though, not taking time off is a fast track to burn out - it’s been quite the dilemma.
I’ve been also stuck inside my brain for the past several weeks. I’ve done more self-reflection than I ever thought possible. I’ve reflected on my previous relationships and dug into the lessons learned. I figured out the difference between deep-rooted commitment and deep-rooted love, both of which can look similar but are fundamentally different. I also realized I have so much more to give than I ever gave myself credit for. REDs can often come across as selfish, but once you are close enough, you’ll realize we are fiercely loyal and care deeply for those in our inner circle. I’ve thought about my RED traits in a relationship and realized I have no space in my life for people who don’t accept me for all of me. I’ve interacted with a few individuals who have shown me what true authenticity and acceptance looks like, and I want to fill my life with more people like that. I thought about what it is I need and what aspect of “people” I require to fill my cup. I need face-to-face conversations, physical touch and to feel the buzz of people’s energy.
Overall, it’s been a week of being in a very fixed mindset and it’s been hard to get myself out of a negative feedback loop. A RED in isolation is like a caged wild tiger. It’s been a great time to do a deep dive into my brain and figure out what I need. However, I am beyond ready to face the new normal when the things open up again, and explore the world outside my condo and within six feet of other humans.
