Year of Me
Take the selfish year.
It was a year filled with overflowing champagne, travel, self reflection and tough life lessons.
Two years ago, was one of my toughest years - filled with family loss, work burn out, high stress and a drawn out break up. My response was to embark on a yearlong self-proclaimed ‘year of me’. I indulged in all of the travel, pleasures and passions that life had to (reasonably) offer. I let myself be selfish and set off on a personal journey to figure out how to do single and thirty ‘me’. I splurged on Invisalign that I had contemplated for years, explored naturopathic health alternatives, and learned how to go on a first date all over again. It was a year of rediscovery - how to travel alone, how to do life without a teammate, how to decide the fate of my small business, how to evaluate my friendships and how to practice reciprocity. After three months of secret bathroom cries and barely managing to hold it together, I made a promise to myself that I would dive headfirst into living my best life. The self-proclaimed ‘year of me’ started with taking all of the life lessons or life ‘research’ I could experience. New year, new me. My RED personality exaggerates the hard truth that not achieving goals is never an option for me. I do what I say and I don’t half-ass anything.
The first four months were best described as the train wreak stage. New Year’s Eve was spent drinking like I was back in university and it came complete with dance floor make outs, forgotten names and blurry faces. Within the first two months I had joined the most popular dating apps and forced myself to go on meaningless first dates and seek out a casual ‘fun friend’ - all for the sake of ‘research’. I booked solo weekend trips to explore new cities, visit family and old friends. I turned the big 3-0 during the ‘year of me’ and celebrated with a close university gal pal by jet-setting to Arizona to dance on tables, drink other people’s alcohol, forget purses in Ubers and drink our body weight in champagne.
Sounds fun right? It may be surprising, but the first few months were also spent in fear. Panic permeated through my body as a result of unfulfilled adolescent hopes and dreams of marriage, kids and big houses. Here I was, a single 30-year-old verging on an alcohol addiction with a sky-high credit card bill from my travel addiction. I fumbled my way around dating and completely forgot how to cook for one. The first meaningful date I went on I was in full body sweat and could barely stand closer than a meter away. I gave into self-doubt and realized for the first time that a lot of the confidence I portrayed was a façade. I was so used to being the girl who always had it together. Showing vulnerability was not something I did naturally and figuring it out was so much harder than expected. I learned which of my friends would support me and with this came some shocking and disappointing truths.
Mid-year turned into non-stop traveling and figuring out new relationship dynamics. No one could remember which part of the continent I was on and I appeared to be living the carefree, fun, jet-setter life. From party trips spent in penthouses and on yachts, to small Canadian towns, summer flew by in a whirlwind. Underneath it all was a persistent on-going battle with guilt for being selfish, spending money, taking time off work and neglecting my small business. I was slowly learning to get as comfortable as possible with being uncomfortable. I settled into fear and let it happen without allowing it to control my actions.
Managing and accepting uncertainty and struggle doesn’t mean weakness. I can be shiny bold RED and speak my truth, but real life happens when you let people in to see the vulnerability. Regardless of the guilt and challenges, I wouldn’t change ‘year of me’ one bit. I stuck with the commitment I made to myself to be selfish and figure out ‘me’ again. By the end of the year I had spent thousands of dollars, took over 40 flights, experienced the full spectrum of emotion and felt more alive than I had in years. I decided to take leaps and bounds outside my comfort zone and loosen the reins just enough to let the universe guide my adventure. It led me to re-evaluate the path of my small business, see friendships in a new light, let others support me, achieve professional success goals, settle into fear and exercise vulnerability. Take the selfish year and let yourself be afraid.
