The Reciprocity Rule in Friendship
Not all friendships are created equal
Focus on friendships that matter the most. Choose to surround yourself with people who choose you back.
Do you remember those childhood days when every week you would announce a new ‘best friend’? In elementary school I started a ‘best friends’ club and every week we had to get each other a little gift to prove our title. If only all relationships and friendships were as easy and simple as an offering given to each other every week.
As I age, friendships mean more and more to me. It sits on the same level of importance as family, partners and career aspirations. However, I’ve realized that while friendships become more important to me, others may not feel the same way. A question that came to the surface sometime last year was, “how much do I really mean to these people?” My therapist introduced me to the concept of ‘reciprocity.’ The concept is based on reciprocating, or to “give and take mutually” (1). In other words, a relationship that is equally weighted and balanced in both giving and receiving.
Being the RED, type A planner within my friendship group means that I am the one who organizes the majority of catch ups, group functions and celebratory events. But, it started to feel like I was constantly nagging people to make plans with me. I truly enjoy planning, but what happens if I stopped and let go of the control? This is something I experimented with over the past year and it was immediately met with uncomfortable feelings and a fear of being rejected. What if the only reason people agreed to see me was because I had asked them? A lot of these insecurities stem from having a lot of YELLOW mixed in with my RED personality. I have a need to be frequently social and an innate desire to be well-liked and respected.
I didn’t expect friendships to get more complex and difficult with age, and not everyone grows older and sees the same value in friendship as I do. As individuals start families, bring in pets, move to different parts of the city, get serious with partners, shift jobs, travel more – it takes more effort to make certain people a priority. Unfortunately, it often takes a tough life situation to discover which people will take the time to be there for you. However, no friendship is ever going to be worth it if you don’t give people an opportunity to show up. I am an extrovert by nature and although I may not see people at the frequency I prefer, when someone does take the time to reach out to me it fills me with a million warm fuzzies. Time is finite for everyone and when someone makes the decision to show up for you, whether it be physically, emotionally, on the other end of a text or call, nothing could mean more.
One of the hardest parts of reciprocity is when I have to make a conscious effort to put in less effort. It’s when I realize someone I care about so much doesn’t give me back what I put in - the dreaded one-sided friendship. There is so much more value in quality versus quantity when it comes to time spent with people. It doesn’t mean that I don’t reach out to my pals, or stop communicating with acquaintances, it is about checking in to ask myself if the relationship is balanced - making sure the deposits are equal to the withdraws. I must force myself to draw personal boundaries because I know I can’t control other people and their priorities.
At the end of the day, I will always be available to the people I cherish, but I can’t continuously be at their aid as a disposable resource. On the other hand, I had some surprising realizations that I did my fair share of neglect towards individuals who have silently supported me and flown under the radar. I am choosing to put more energy toward these individuals for whom I am so grateful.
As tough as reciprocity is to put into practice, and as hard as it’s been to continually learn, it’s been one of the best lessons I have learned in the past year. Interactions now have more meaning and friendships feel fuller. I still struggle during moments when my calendar is empty and I want to text my list of friends and acquaintances, but making peace with this life changing decision makes me even more appreciative of the tribe I choose to surround myself with.
